In order to get the jump on Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Lyndon LaRouche, and other assorted crackpot candidates, I, Phineas Bounderby do hereby, forthwith, and ipso facto declare my intention to run for the office of President of the United States of America.
Here is my preliminary campaign platform:
1) Cricket shall be made the national sport.
2) Pinot Noir shall be re-named "Freedom Noir", and distributed in vending machines.
3) Glenn Beck will be allowed to continue on the air, but must wear a red rubber nose and huge floppy shoes to properly identify his real profession in an accurate manner.
4) The southern half of New Brunswick and the western portion of Nova Scotia as far east as Truro shall be annexed to the US in order to insure a steady supply of Stanfield underwear.
5) Fish Boy shall be appointed Secretary of the Navy..
6) All recitations of the Pledge of Allegiance shall be accompanied by the participants waving around a baggie containing their birth certificate.
7) We shall return to a strict interpretation of the original Constitution, rendering Sarah Palin not only ineligible to hold office, but ineligible to vote.
I thank you all for your vote. Since I will be seeking the endorsement of the Tea Parties, I would appreciate it if anyone having the Koch brother's phone numbers would contact me.
Candidate for President