Wingnuttian National Anthem

Since the We the People foundation has declared the U.S. in serious constitutional crisis, and has broached the subject of calling a Constitutional Convention, I've put some thought into what a nation conceived and run by wingnuts might look like. First, I do think Wingnuttia would be a grand name for the country. Sort of an in-your-face assertion that this is a nation Of the Wingnuts, By the Wingnuts, For the Wingnuts.

But the most inspired thing I've devised is the three verses and chorus for the Wingnut National Anthem. I'll have it finished by the time they hold their Constitutional Convention, and I'll send it to them on parchment:


Hail Wingnuttia

tune: Far Above Cayuga's Waters (from an earlier tune Annie Lisle by H.S. Thompson)

Far beyond the hazy line
That marks insanity
Stand the brave and noble wingnuts
Yearning to run free:

Chorus:

Hail Wingnuttia
Hail Wingnuttia
Belfries Full of Bats
Always loudly, ever proudly
Don our tinfoil hats



We are ever on the lookout
For conspiracy
Seek the greatest and the latest
Raving lunacy

Chorus:

Hail Wingnuttia
Hail Wingnuttia
Belfries Full of Bats
Always loudly, ever proudly
Don our tinfoil hats

All the normal folks around us
Think that we're unhinged
But we'll always fight the cause of
living on the fringe

Chorus:

Hail Wingnuttia
Hail Wingnuttia
Belfries Full of Bats
Always loudly, ever proudly
Don our tinfoil hats

The World Nut Daily is my favorite website

One can prove that the internet is becoming sentient by the simple act of doing a google search on either of two phrases: "World Nut Daily" or "wingnut daily". Both searches yield "World Net Daily" as their top search result, proving that the web knows its nuts.

The World Net Daily is pure comedy gold. While most of the wingnuts who could muster enough coherence to type complete sentences are fleeing from the wacko birth certificate crowd, the World Net Daily keeps the faith, and the articles on Obama's alleged lack of eligibility continue to dominate WND's homepage index. Even Redstate.com has steered its crew of commenters away from this Gong Show of a crusade, a sure sign that one has wandered too far out into the wilderness of complete lunacy.

One of the funniest articles of all time in wingnut daily's rich motherlode of hilarity is a multipart series claiming that the estrogens in soy products will make you gay. In fact this assertion isn't even buried deep in the recesses of an article with a more sane sounding title. The articles lead off with the title:

Soy is making kids 'gay'

Click on the link and read it for yourself. You won't be disappointed. And browse the other articles. It's impossible for me to imagine the editorial crew of this brilliant site without visualling them with red rubber noses wacking themselves on the head with huge mallets. Seriously it's that zany.

The Obama Birth Certificate Issue

The phrase "Jumping the Shark" entered the vernacular when it was deemed that an episode of "Happy Days" involving the Fonz jumping a shark in an open water pen while on water skis marked the beginning of a rapid decline in both quality and ratings for the show. Now "Jumping the Shark" has come to mean the defining moment of decline in virtually anything.

In the political arena some issues Jump the Shark as soon as they approach the runway. The whole silly issue of Obama's birth certificate was one such issue.

At this point the primary people pushing the issue have gone so gonzo so fast that it's hard to imagine that the claims being made went through a preliminary phase of being almost (but not quite) sane.

After the Supreme Court decided not to hear the case of one Leo Donofrio of New Jersey, challenging Obama's U.S. citizenship, all the stops came out among the wingnuts pursuing this crusade.

In a particularly funny flight of fancy one Bob Schulz of the "We the People" foundation suggested that if Obama didn't end this crisis (presumably by stepping down) Schulz would call a "constitutional convention".

As unlikely as this might seem I'm looking forward to hearing the details of the constitution of the new nation of Wingnuttia.

Introduction

My name is Phineas Bounderby. I'm from the Kingdom of Ozymandias, and I'm visiting the states to do research into a common species known as wingnutus crackpotus (the Common Wingnut), and am occasionally turning my attention to its closely related cousin the wingnutus dingbatus.

Many of my colleagues doubt the usefulness of this research, as the Common Wingnut seems to have lost a great deal of territory in the past few years. But one thing I've discovered about the wingnut is that it's highly resilient and energetic. In 2006 I witnessed a flock of wingnuts dive headlong into an active volcano. It was only a minor setback for the wingnut population as a whole though. Within a few weeks the population had grown to its full strength, and was screeching, yammering, and gibbering away as if the catastrophe had never occured.

I hope you'll find my research not only useful, but fun. Because Wingnuts are hilarious animals, and their antics keep me amused for many hours. While I wouldn't exactly describe them as intelligent, they can be surprisingly clever and resourceful, and they are always fun to watch if one approaches the research in the correct spirit.

I hope these short articles will give you insight into the antics of the wingnut. While the life of the wingnut may often seem to revolve around pointless activity alternating between the repetitive and the erratic, there are quite a few patterns which recur, and observing wingnuts can be educational both for the professional researcher and for the layperson.